I am constantly in this haze.. this bubble of sorts.. telling myself one moment that “all is ok, I’m doing well” or telling myself that “all isn’t ok, I need to get up off my lazy ass and do something.” But once in while (usually a very long while), I break out of this haze and see myself for who I really am… a misfit who tries desperately to fit into other’s ideas of who they want me to be.
But very rarely .…. when I come out of this usual haze.. for a few moments … for those few moments,,,, I want to be seen as myself… a person who is overly dramatic, maybe selfish also… a person who is in love with the idea of love and all things perfect without actually a clue of what I want or what I want to be…. I want to be unconventional (the un-convention that I have learnt from cinema, coz that’s really a HUGE influence on both, this un-hazed and hazed self).
This un-hazed self today openly acknowledges that I am more bogged down and fascinated (maybe “occupied” is a better word here) with the idea of who everyone wants me to be rather than wanting to find out who I really want to be. Maybe who I really am is just a scribble… just an ordinary scratch on an ordinary paper called life, who passed by this earth at some vague time, lived life by other people’s rules and just went away. Or MAYBE…. Who I am is this un-hazed, rarely surfacing individual who wants to break moulds, who wants to see the world for herself, both the good and bad sides of it… maybe who I am is this un-hazed self who isn’t scared of consequences, both good and bad… who has the courage to stand up to the world around her and tell all that, “Well…. This who I am: an idiotic, impulsive, neurotic individual” who for a lifetime would like to get away from normalcy as she’s known and discover herself without any tags or leashes.
But come morning, I wake up with a heavy head and the stark reminder that I am best who I am under all these tags and leashes. Unleashed and I might not be able to live with who I am. So come morning, I don the pair of shoes that I am expected to rather than what I think I would like.