To live and to reminisce

There’s always that one point in time, when nostalgia overpowers the present.

There’s always a day, when you can kick back and reminisce about the days/years gone by.

But there should never come a time, when past is all you live in and think about.

You’re very fortunate if you’ve had a past you love to reminisce about.

But count your blessings and move on to live in today,

So that you can make many more memories to reminisce about tomorrow.

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Affording Vanity

vanity

Jamie looked in the mirror for the tenth time – checked her necktie, her belt, turned around and checked her shirt, she wanted it to be neatly tucked, with just a small pleat falling over her belt. Then she turned back and practiced her smile as she wanted it to be just perfect, neither too forth coming nor too reserved. Finally, satisfied with her appearance, she went to work.

Day by day, the same routine followed. Jamie would get up and meticulously get dressed. She’d take great pains to look perfect, with a neatly ironed dress, elegantly coiffured hair, radiant make-up and of course, the perfectly practiced smile.

For a career receptionist with no other means to support herself, Jamie needed to check her necktie to see if she was modest and presentable. She needed to check her belt regularly to see if the scuffs were covered and she needed to tuck her shirt in perfectly so that the hole in the back wasn’t visible.

You see, vanity is only for those who can afford it.

Fidelity and Fairness

fidel

I was reading the secret wish list by Preeti Shenoy and it got me thinking about this heavy topic: can I really put fidelity and fairness in the same weighing scale and judge if I’ve been dealt a fair hand? Can I justify the unfair treatment meted to me by being infidel?

First a bit about the book: It is about a stay-at-home mother and wife (Dikhsha), smothered by wishes of her family and husband. She’s never been given a chance to understand her desires and wants and build a life for herself. And the day she gets a chance (or rather she wrestles it out of her humdrum life and her meek inner self), a dam kind of breaks out and her entire life metamorphoses in a matter of few weeks. She goes out on her own, takes a dance class, makes new friends and re-connects with an old friend and her ex-boyfriend from school.

Reading the atrocities she faced not just from her husband but her own parents, does make one sympathetic to her and one of part of me wants to vindicate her for the infidelity she committed. But there is a part of me that just cannot excuse going out of a marriage and having a full blown affair. No matter how unfair the situation. Granted, I have never been oppressed in my entire life, not by my parents or my husband or anyone. Despite my multiple, and sometimes repeated, mistakes, my family has always given me the right to choose and live as I want. However, I strongly believe that we live in a world where no relationships are exclusive, I cannot avenge myself of the wrongs my husband has committed, by going out with another guy because in doing so I am not just punishing him but his family and my children – i.e. the people who’ve welcomed me into their lives and loved me unconditionally and they do not deserve such a treatment. What is morally wrong is wrong. I feel I should end an abusive and unsatisfying relationship before I make a new beginning, that is the only fair thing to do with all the parties involved.

For me the definition of world is “the entangled web of relationships in my life that allows me to be happy, sad, and everything that I am and the relationships that have made me who I am today.” Now I take the same philosophy to the protagonist of the story, Diksha. She made a mistake of kissing a boy at the age of 16, which changed her entire life and relationships. She was oppressed from that moment onward and at the age of 35 when she realized how her life sucks, she just starts acting without thinking. In a way I can understand, if oppressed for 18 years, when your inner self unleashes herself, she changes every aspect of your life. However, I feel that the unfairness of her relationships with her husband and parents should not translate into infidelity, which will belatedly, but definitely and adversely, impact her child and sweet mother-in-law. I am sure she can explain to everyone her reasons for acting the way she did and over time they might understand her and forgive her but the hurt stays on.

Yes, she has a right to live her own life and make her own choices. Yes, I know, she’s been a doormat all her life and does not have the courage to stand up to her husband but that still does not give her the right to just go to her ex-bf’s hotel and resume the 18-year old relationship that they left midway. She needs to sit down, sort things in her head, take responsible actions rather than seek solace first and act later.

What kind of math is it: A, B and C have been unfair to me my whole life so the suppressed me takes it all out by being unfair to the innocent and unwitting participants in my life, D, E and F.

I have yet 40 more pages before I finish the book but the whole situation just made me pick up my laptop and write this out. If I review this piece a week later, I might find it too harsh and take it down but right now, I’m just thinking about how to deal with unfairness. How to deal with suppressed emotions, desires and wants? Doing what my heart wants and keeping me happy should be my ultimate aim (because if I’m happy then only I’ll able to keep the people in my life happy) but it should not come at the cost of other’s happiness in my life. I know I cannot keep everyone happy with whatever decisions I make, but that logic does not give me the right to act amorally and then exonerate myself thinking, “I’ve been dealt an unfair hand in life, and I am just righting the wrongs done to me.”

People who’ve read the book. Any thoughts?

Rather… Than!

Rather than

I’d rather smile at a child’s innocence than laugh at someone’s expense

I’d rather cry silently at a poor man’s plight than sob at my troubles, which I have most likely created myself and blown out of proportion in my head

I’d rather bow my head in front my parents whose sacrifices, wisdom and love I can see and emulate rather than blindly follow a pretentious baba whose claims I have just read or heard

I’d rather write two cliched but honest words than an essay on what I think people would like to hear and read

I’d rather give up something I want than acquire something that I know belongs to someone else

I’d rather show with actions how much I care than proclaim with words in front of the world (which makes this whole post redundant, so you might as well have skipped it 🙂 )

Sappy and Predictable Endings!

happy ending

What’s with happy endings. Right from the start of every movie and every book, I know that in the end everything is going to be alright but still I get upset when the characters go through a bad patch and I get equally (some people would argue even more) excited as the characters when the happy ending comes.

Even though I know that every movie or book is going to have one of the standard endings – Boy-girl fall in love, then some fights, ego struggles and the in the end some major epiphany from the protagonists and alls well OR hero chasing some criminals, meets his gal under cover, fights off the hooligans, saves the damsel in distress and on the way realizes his love for her and as end credits roll in he’s driving away with the pretty lady in a nice car.

No matter what the story (read cliche), I go through the entire journey of the characters, their ups and downs and I savor the happy ending and most of the times, I come out of the movie theater with tears in my eyes.

I guess, in the end, happy endings, no matter how ever unbelievable, just make me feel good about life and add fuel to my ever-filmy imagination 🙂

Confessions of my un-hazed self

confused

I am constantly in this haze.. this bubble of sorts.. telling myself one moment that “all is ok, I’m doing well” or telling myself that “all isn’t ok, I need to get up off my lazy ass and do something.” But once in while (usually a very long while), I break out of this haze and see myself for who I really am… a misfit who tries desperately to fit into other’s ideas of who they want me to be.

But very rarely .…. when I come out of this usual haze.. for a few moments … for those few moments,,,, I want to be seen as myself… a person who is overly dramatic, maybe selfish also… a person who is in love with the idea of love and all things perfect without actually a clue of what I want or what I want to be…. I want to be unconventional (the un-convention that I have learnt from cinema, coz that’s really a HUGE influence on both, this un-hazed and hazed self).

This un-hazed self today openly acknowledges that I am more bogged down and fascinated (maybe “occupied” is a better word here) with the idea of who everyone wants me to be rather than wanting to find out who I really want to be. Maybe who I really am is just a scribble… just an ordinary scratch on an ordinary paper called life, who passed by this earth at some vague time, lived life by other people’s rules and just went away. Or MAYBE…. Who I am is this un-hazed, rarely surfacing individual who wants to break moulds, who wants to see the world for herself, both the good and bad sides of it… maybe who I am is this un-hazed self who isn’t scared of consequences, both good and bad… who has the courage to stand up to the world around her and tell all that, “Well…. This who I am: an idiotic, impulsive, neurotic individual” who for a lifetime would like to get away from normalcy as she’s known and discover herself without any tags or leashes.

But come morning, I wake up with a heavy head and the stark reminder that I am best who I am under all these tags and leashes. Unleashed and I might not be able to live with who I am. So come morning, I don the pair of shoes that I am expected to rather than what I think I would like.

કોણે કહ્યું કે હૂં ખર્ચાળ છું!

miser1

મારી પાસે 100 dresses હતા અને એટલે જ મેં 101 મો dress લેતા પેહલા વિચાર કર્યો અને ના ખરીદ્યો,
કોણે કહ્યું કે હૂં ખર્ચાળ છું

મારી પાસે દુનિયાને આંજી દે એવું સ્મિત હતું, પણ મેં તેણે આમ લોકો અને નાના બાળકો પર ના ખરચ્યું
કોણે કહ્યું કે હૂં ખર્ચાળ છું

મારી પાસે ખુબ જ સમય હતો વેડફવા માટે (જ મેં વેડફ્યો પણ ખરા તવ સામે) પણ મેં તે સમય કોઈ સારા કામ પર ના ખરચ્યો
કોણે કહ્યું કે હૂં ખર્ચાળ છું

મારી પાસે અઢળક પ્રેમ હતો વરસવા માટે, પણ મેં સ્વાર્થી બની જાત સિવાય બીજા કોઈ પર તે પ્રેમ ખરચ્યો નહિ
કોણે કહ્યું કે હૂં ખર્ચાળ છું